Change has Started

I have been reborn in to this life. This rebirth was not started by religion or by a specific, life changing event. No one event made me wake up and say "it is time to change and it starts now!" Instead it was a progression of events, experiences, words, thoughts, moments, precious giggles that gave me the strength to realize that the path I was taken was bad for myself and my family. The time it took for me to realize this has been longer than a human gestation period. I was overdue on the pregnancy of a new life.

I knew change needed to happen when I was at my lowest point of denied postpartum depression. Let me start with how depressed I felt during the end of my pregnancy with my first son, Oliver; however, how amazing I felt after he was born and how clear I thought life was. When he was 6 months old I joined a gym and worked the 60+ pounds I had gained during that pregnancy. My diet was a modified South Beach diet. Fast food was not in my diet regularly. I worked out at the gym during the day and then went back for more on some days after my husband, Eli got home from work. I took walks with my awesome Baby Jogger Performance series stroller all day long! I got down to 118 lbs. That weight was perfect for my height of 5'2", still having curves to show that I was a woman and not a girl. I was working in the evenings back at Chili's as a server rather than a manager. I made enough cash to pay off whatever money I had racked up on a credit card from the transition of being a stay at home mom vs full time employee.

I felt great all the way through my pregnancy with my second son, Finley. No during pregnancy depression. During that pregnancy, my diet and exercise routine dwindled until there was no exercise and extremely poor food choices. When Finley was born I laughed at the doctor for giving me information about postpartum depression. I thought that would never happen to me because I thought that I was the most sane person around with great control over my emotions. I quickly realized that hormones could really (for lack of a better word) fuck with you. I didn't go down all at once. It was gradual until I hit a serious low point that scared the shit out of me and shocked me in to small changes that helped a little.

What changes to my life were going on after Finley was born to get me so low? For starters, my diet was poor. There was no exercise. Sleep was not happening. I was obsessing over a new hobby that kept me up at night even when I could have been sleeping. Postpartum depression lasted me a full year and a half! It can happen to anyone with great diet and exercise, I believe. I didn't get clinical help. There was a moment at my lowest point when I realized that I needed help that actually snapped me out of that dark time. Coming to that realization was a spark! It changed my attitude, but I continued to have dark moments that were uplifted by good moments. It wasn't until I actually stopped nursing Finley at 19 months old that my hormones calmed down. I was forced in to it by a hernia surgery. I didn't want to quit nursing my baby. But, I'm glad I did! On a side note, I nursed Oliver until 18 months old with out any hormonal issues. Every pregnancy and breast feeding experience is different for every woman. I would not discourage any woman from breastfeeding their child for as long as they can, but I would encourage exercise and a diet high in fruits and vegetables. I ate big macs, drank Diet Coke like it was water, sat on the couch knitting, stayed up until 3 a.m. sewing. Not the best combination, apparently.

2011 started with a list of high hopes and resolutions. The hernia surgery in January and so was the end of breast feeding. It seriously only took about a week and a half of no breast feeding for my depressed fog to lift. I also decided not to run my business of cloth diaper sewing until all hours of the night. I took a break from sewing for people that I didn't know. It felt wonderful. What didn't I change? I still didn't excersize. I have paid for a gym membership the entire year and used it maybe a 1/2 dozen times in 2011. Fast food. Fast Food. Fast Food. Cookies. M&Ms. Diet coke. Lots of diet coke. I did read Jillian Michael's book Master Your Metabolism. That book taught me the dangers of toxicity in our foods caused by modern life and the importance of organic foods. The book had an extreme, no excuse change now approach. I tried. I wasn't ready. I continued the year with toxic food, but had that book in the back of my mind. I was eating crack in the form of a burger and fries.

In the spring of 2011 I began work again at Chilis as a server. My attitude was completely different from how it was when I worked there before. I was negative. I hated working. My tips reflected. I blamed it on the guests coming in and the economy. I hated going to work. I missed out on opportunities with my family, but when I had a free day off I tried to hide from my family to sew instead. Why did I do that? For some unbalanced hormonal reason, I felt that my Internet friends took priority over my family. I spent countless hours making items for people I never met and spent all of the money gained of fabric, fabric, cloth diapers and anything that helped feed the obsession of my hobby.

Working at Chilis was a miserable experience for the family. In October, my husband and me decided I quit after having a glass of wine and yummy Thai food at Thai 9 in Dayton. That night was one of the very few date nights we had in 2011. We had lost each other and missed each other. Things started looking up after that. I had great weeks of organization and clarity, then a week of frustration from being a step behind and lagging in what I needed to accomplish. It seemed to correlate well with my cycle to where I could pin point when it was going to happen and be proactive to not over indulge myself in emotional or food related woe to make the moment worse. It is still a work in progress, but it is coming along.

A Disney World trip was planned. Christmas was planned. 2011 ended with an amazing family vacation the week before Christmas and an amazing Christmas! New Years eve was shared with new and old friends that I hope to have in my life for a very long time.

December 28th is the last time I've had fast food or Diet Coke. I know it won't be the last time ever. I am a great believer in moderation. Today marks 11 days of no fast food or diet coke. 3 days was the longest I've gone in all of 2011. It wasn't until the 4th day that I started feeling more energetic and more alive. Why did I poison myself for so long!?